Self Erasure is NOT Holy. Y La Sangre, No Promete Nada.

Grieving the roles we inherit, not the people or culture we lose

Mannnnnnnn listen.... I’ve already been through the grief of my favorite elder (physically). and the grief of my parental relationship dynamics (emotionally). But I NEVER EVER imagined I’d be grieving another family relationship, (probably my most sacred/favorite one) while the person was still alive. Still reachable by text or call or FaceTime. Still technically family and sometimes even still in the same room. I want to chat a bit about the grief and bulls*** nobody ever prepared us for or taught us how to deal with. Not a physical viewing or funeral, but an energetic one. The mental goodbyes and afflictions of watching someone become a stranger, while they’re still sitting across from you at the kitchen table. Or still accessible. It's the woe and mostly disappointment of realizing that shared DNA doesn’t guarantee shared values. That proximity doesn’t equal intimacy and that what you were raised to call “family”, was mostly shared space, with an adult's expectations attached to that space. Ouch.

What We're Told

Idk about you but "around my way" we’re taught very early that certain relationships are non negotiable. Family, especially. You don’t get to opt out just because it hurts, are you crazy? You don’t get to draw boundaries just because you’re tired silly. And loyalty, we’re told, means showing up no matter the cost.

But... what if what we’ve been calling loyalty is actually just conditioning?

The idea that you’re supposed to feel close to people simply because you share DNA, is actually a relatively modern concept as I've been learning a bit lately. And it unfortunately + quietly teaches us that when closeness isn’t there, something is wrong with you, not the dynamic. Not the structure. You.

I was raised between a Black household and multiple Puerto Rican households, with Puerto Rican culture dominating my "growing up" experience. Traditional. Island rooted. Religious. And while Puerto Rico is part of the U.S. (s/o to Bad Bunny), culturally and experientially, I’m the first mainland born daughter on my mother’s side. Why would that even matter? BECAUSE it put me in a strange and unasked for position... expected to uphold traditions and expectations I didn’t inherit in context, but only in obligation.

Growing up, the phrase “Blood is thicker than water” ran rampant af in my communities and even then, every time I heard it, it was always used in the context of being an excuse. An excuse, to excuse harm. An excuse to prioritize family expectations over personal truth. And even if you didn’t grow up believing it, at some point you were taught that the people who knew you first, were supposed to know you best. That these relationships came with built in reciprocity. Automatic devotion. lol Lifelong understanding. (bigger lol)

And for some people, that’s true!!! But for a lot of us, it just isn’t. The reality is, biology creates proximity and not intimacy. Shared genetics might give you similar features, habits, even humor as was my case, but it DOES NOT give you shared values, goals, or shared intention. Being raised in the same family DOESN'T mean you even experienced that family the same way. And it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean you’re all headed in the same direction. AND THATS OKAY!!!!

Somehow though, religion, culture, and social norms still expect/ask us to keep showing up regardless and too keep tending to relationships that don’t tend back, "no tendernism". To keep honoring connections that haven’t been mutual in YEEEEEARS. Relationships by default can easily get mistaken for relationship by choice.

And that’s where my exhaustion started.

Because when you finally notice you’re the only one carrying "it", you become the reminder app. The mediator. The therapist. The punching bag. The alarm clock. The assistant. The "handler". The collateral damage. Or someone else's "lesson". The one who adjusts, accommodates and makes space. You're maintaining something the other person isn’t/wasn't even participating in. And when you finally stop, when the Bag Lady finally sets the bag down, THAT'S when you’re labeled the problem. Not because you’re inherently wrong, but because the structure collapses without you. The idea. The future. The "plan" no longer .... fits. Whether someone wants to admit it, or not. "We call it respect, but respect without accountability is just obedience.”

In my family (which I love and respect), like many Puerto Rican/island/ foreign or minority families, tending is gendered. Women (ESPECIALLY THE DAUGHTERS) cook. Clean. Remember. Hold things together. Is my culture and tradition teaching me mutual care? Or is it teaching sacrifice? And almost always, women were/are the only ones paying. Every woman in my lineage has compromised something.... dreams, goals, autonomy, for a man. A brother. A father. A husband. Always framed as love, always called family. And never mutually reciprocated.

You start believing tradition means "self erasure equals holiness and selflessness" and that showing up no matter the cost, is the highest form of love. That walking away means lifelong betrayal. (& I peronally don't do well with topics of abandonment) But when I actually started studying the history, cultures, and religions that so many of us follow today, I notice something else entirely.

Family ties were NEVER about emotion. They were always structural.

In Roman law, family existed to manage inheritance and authority, not affection. In Confucian systems, family preserved hierarchy, not intimacy. Even religious texts are full of family conflict. Cain and Abel? Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers. Blood didn’t automatically promise unity, but more like complexity fr fr.

Emotional closeness was optional. Function was the point.

The idea that DNA guarantees devotion? That’s modern af fam. And it’s lowkey a setup for the rebel or pioneer. Because it teaches you to internalize dysfunction as personal failure.

So when a family relationship stops being mutual, the grief often doesnt feel like its just about "the person". It’s layered. “We were taught to feed men like kings and forgive them like children. That isn’t culture. That’s neglect dressed as tradition.”"

It’s grieving who you thought they were. Grieving a bond you believed was supposed to be unbreakable. Grieving shared history that no longer holds shared meaning and replaying the realization that you may have been more invested than they ever were. More invested than they want to be.

Oh, and you’re not allowed to talk about it either. To anyone. Because the moment you do, you’re accused of giving up on said family. Of not having tried hard enough. Of being disloyal or my favoirite one ever, of being "dramatic" and "overreactive" and "ungrateful".

But yo... refusing to carry dead weight isn’t betrayal. It’s f***ing honesty. And we have voices for reason.

The Unraveling...

What I’m learning, albeit slowly and painfully (lol) is that my job was never to make it work forever. My job was to show up fully, communicate clearly (what I do best), and then release when it became obvious the effort wasn't mutual. OR, that it would've simply required way too much of me, to have kept chasing reciprocity...

I can love someone and still refuse to break myself trying to maintain what they already let go of without any thought or consideration of me. I can reject oppressive ass systems everywhere else and finally stop exempting family from that same scrutiny.

Because the people who genuinely want you in their lives don’t make you beg for reciprocity. Not any any point. Not as a child, not as an adult. They don’t reduce you to a role to play in their lives. They care about YOUR experience, not just your FUNCTION.

And the ones who don’t? They’re telling you something... & IT'S NOT YOUR JOB to rewrite THEIR script.

If you’re carrying something alone, if you’re always the one initiating, remembering, adjusting, "being the bigger person", this is your permission slip babe.

You’re allowed to stop. You’re allowed to grieve relationships that are still technically alive but functionally over. You’re allowed to ask whether a connection is nourishing you or just surviving on guilt. And you’re for damn sure allowed to let go... & not out of bitterness, but out of self preservation!!!

Obligation is not the same as love. PS: If you're still BLAMING your family, this isn't for you. This IS for those of us taking responsibility for the here and now, those who understand everyone has their own paths and lessons to learn, and those ready to take steps in autonymy and agency. Sometimes death just means change. And that change, is okay. We got this.